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2 People Who NEED a Berkey (Satire)

Berkey® Water Purifier

The original title of this article was “2 People Who Should NOT Buy a Berkey” but it was shot down in our writer’s meeting.

Instead, we were instructed to write this article with a more inclusive title and tone. So, here it is. (It was supposed to be submitted for approval prior to publishing…so I’ve already updated my LinkedIn profile & started spamming recruiters for a job.)


We ALL know “Karen-esque” personalities. It’s really a beautiful name, so don’t toss the baby out with the bathwater.

Why do “Karens” need a Berkey? Great question!

It’s long been established that heavy-metals are toxic and they negatively impact a person’s physical well-being, especially mental health.

The Black Berkey Filter Elements have been tested to remove and reduce heavy metals from drinking water (up to 95%), toxins such as aluminum, cadmium, chromium, copper, lead, and mercury. The Berkey PF-2 Filters provide additional post-filtration to the Black Berkeys by addressing fluoride and arsenic from drinking water.

These heavy metals are documented to cause & exacerbate circulatory system disorders, gastro-enteric diseases, kidney damage & disorders, liver disorders, nervous system damage & disorders, and respiratory damage & disorders.

It’s no wonder these folks are so angry! (1) They REALLY want a Berkey and (2) they DON’T want heavy metals in their water!

If you happen to share the name with Karen and have been waiting to buy a Berkey, send us a message and we’ll give you a special deal on one!

For those who don’t know what a “Karen” is, see below:


USABF Tom chems

Again, ignore the name.

The guys we’re referring to are the folks we grew up with (our writing team is from Generation X) who CONTINUE to drink unfiltered tap water despite the science telling us that it’s best to drink water without all the yuckies.

Remember those hot summer days in the 80s when you turned on the yard spigot and slurped phthalates from that delicious plastic-tasting hose? Well, NOW that the science has learned us a few things, our kids can enjoy greater protection from toxins and our moms are empowered to reduce their exposures to teratogens.

Contaminants such as pathogenic microbes, radiologicals, THMs (trihalomethances), VOCs (volatile organic compounds) to say the least, are reduced and removed from drinking water through the technology in the Berkey filters.

Don’t get it wrong. Chlorine is a great disinfectant but you SHOULD NOT be drinking it! The rest of the nonsense (chemicals) really should not be in your water, but could be there for any number of reasons.

Our job for the last 16 years (and continues to be) to help you have delicious and healthy water to drink. You & your loved ones deserve it! No satire about that!

Tap-water-Tom’s favorite line goes like this, “Well, we’re all gonna die anyway, so it don’t matter.” He’s also famed for this nugget, “If you live long enough, you’ll eventually get some type of cancer!” We don’t disagree with Tom; we just want Tom’s coffee and tea to taste better and we’d love him to have a way to filter his water during an emergency.

Tom needs a Berkey. If your name is Tom and you’ve been saving up for a Berkey, reach out to us. We’ve got a special deal for you too!